Finding Smiling to be Rather Difficult at This Point in my Life... :/

Heia,

Well, I must say that it has been an interesting... painfull week. I only had 3 days of school this week, you all know I missed Monday because I was sick, but I also missed yesterday because of my inability to keep my composure and regain it in a reasonable amount of time after it was lost.

I will explain.

Last week my Great-Grandma Vera died. I think I mentioned this, but I want to talk about it again. I didn't know Grandma Vera very well, I only met her about 4 times, and due to what we believe was a series of small strokes she was very quiet and didn't speak much. She also didn't like lots of people around her so she was always a little uncomfortable when I was around because I always had G and usually Mum or Grandma and Grandpa... As well as anybody else who happened to be around. I really wish I had known her better, but I suppose that after 99 years I can forgive her for deciding it was time.

Then, this past weekend I got an email from Mum telling me that my uncle Norris, her godfather, had passed away due to cancer. It was a shock for me because I didn't know he had had cancer, but from what I understood he was also ready to go.

Also in that email I got news that my Great-Grandfather William Shevis had had a fall. He hadn't broken anything, but from what everybody could tell, Grand was done. Monday came around and I was informed that Yes, he was ready to move on, but Great (My great-grandmother Stell Shevis) was not. Mum said that I should expect a call anytime. It was a bitter-sweet thought, that I will hopefully be able to see my Great again, but that she would be alone and not with the man who has stayed with her for over 73 years. My Great-grandparents were married for 73 years if I remember correctly, and Grand was 96 when he passed on Wednesday.

I had been having a rather hard time knowing that a call from home was iminent. I was/am finding it very hard to keep a happy aura but after talking with a friend about how sad I was that I wouldn't get to see my Grand off I felt a little bit better. There was this painful little hope that he would hold on until I got home, but I knew that was both irrational and selfish. I had also gotten the feeling this summer that that was the last time I would see him alive, so that didn't help.

I was doing better and actually acting slightly like my normal self when I got home. Then right before I went to bed I saw on FB that Grand had passed. It was immediate and instantaneous (sp) water works, that I barely managed to keep at a resonable noise level. I confirmed that I had read the news correctly, then shot off an email to Mum immediatly before trying to get ready for bed.

I decided that due to my complete inability to keep from crying for more that a 10 minute span at a randomly decided time, I would don a mourning outfit (the traditional completely black, but i did have a white long sleeve shirt on too... pretty much I still like to be warm, and the black long sleeve shirt would have been a depressing overload.) and remain home. I felt slightly better after spending the morning cuddled on the couch feeling sorry for myself and the world for losing such a talented and kind person. Eventually Mum called, and after crying some more I finally managed to calm myself to have a relitivly normal end to my day. I am so happy that I have a mother like her. She may embarrass the heck out of me (note to anybody and everybody, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BRING MY MOTHER TO A BASEBALL GAME!!!!! It will lead to being forced to sing the songs and trying to wave down the terrifying mascots... I don't care if I know who is under the thing, the whole idea of a mascot is scary... anyway I am digressing) and she may not realize immediatly that I need her, but overall she is great at knowing when I need to talk/scream or cry... and at this moment, I needed to cry, then to laugh, to talk and try to stop mourning.

I haven't quite stopped, I am wearing a black t-shirt today, but I have realized that Grand's wish to have a celebration of life as opposed to a funeral applies to me also. I have to remind myself that he led a full and very long life. I found an interview of both Great and Grand online, so if anybody is interested in learning a little but more (sorry Great if you are reading this, but you do have fans). I will try for a non-depressing post on Monday, but this is what you are getting today.

RIP Great-Grandma Vera

RIP Uncle Norris

RIP Grand.